If you’re feeling trepidation around spending Thanksgiving with family members whose political views differ from yours, you’re not alone. I’ve had conversations with numerous people, particularly since the recent presidential election, who have expressed concern, worry, anxiety, and even dread over holiday plans. All of those feelings make sense.
The political climate in the United States has seen deepening divides in recent years, with partisan differences intensifying. Social media and news outlets have amplified these divisions, making constructive dialogue and mutual understanding more challenging than ever. This has led to increased tension and a greater sense of “us vs. them” and, in the aftermath of the election, a spirit of “winners vs. losers” is prevalent. With the election being so recent, emotions are running especially high.
So what do you do when you’re really not looking forward to your Thanksgiving gathering, but you know you have to go?
Reframing Your Thoughts
Well, the first step is to remind yourself that you don’t actually HAVE to do anything. Your immediate reaction may be, “of course I do! My mother would be furious if I didn’t go! My kids would be so disappointed… I couldn’t do that to them! I already have plane tickets – it’s too late to change my plans! I offered to host – I can’t cancel!”
Those are all valid reasons for not wanting to change plans, and they all represent a value that’s being honored. You don’t want the people you care about to feel like you’ve let them down, you want to maintain peace in the family, and you don’t want to deal with the inconvenience or expense of changing plans. The downside of canceling your plans would be worse than the discomfort of keeping them.
When we reframe our thoughts to acknowledge that we’re prioritizing honoring our commitments, or keeping family traditions intact, or doing something that’s important to the people we love, we’re reminding ourselves that we’re not helpless victims in the situation – we’re making the choice that makes the most sense, given the circumstances.
Focus on What You’re Looking Forward To
If you’ve determined that attending the gathering is the right decision for you, you can take steps to help ensure that you’ll feel good about the way you’re navigating the situation. Start by thinking about how you’d like the day to look. Focus on what you DO want, rather than on what you want to avoid. Are you looking forward to laughing over familiar family stories? To catching up on the ins and outs of each other’s lives? To passing meaningful traditions on to your children? To making your mother smile because having everyone together is important to her? Identify something you’re looking forward to.
Set Realistic Expectations
Once you have a clear picture of what will bring you joy and make you feel good about the day, you can take steps towards achieving that outcome. Setting realistic expectations and focusing on things that are within your control are important components of any plan. If you’re surrounded by people whose political views differ from yours or from one another’s, that’s probably not going to change over the course of the day — and that’s OK. You can’t control that. But you can decide what you’re willing or not willing to discuss, and you can make plans that support those boundaries.
Set the Tone
You may want to set the tone for the gathering you’ve envisioned by reaching out to family members prior to Thanksgiving Day, letting them know, “I’m looking forward to hearing about what’s going on in your life, sharing memories, laughing and being together.” Maybe you’d like to add, “With so much heaviness in the world, I’m looking forward to a day of lightheartedness.” Or a more direct, “Let’s focus on enjoying each other’s company and keep politics out of the conversation.”
Communicate Boundaries
If advance communication feels awkward and forced, you may prefer not to say anything unless an issue arises. In that case, thinking in advance about the boundaries you’ve set and having strategies at hand can be helpful. How would you like to respond if the conversation starts to get heated? You can redirect the discussion by saying, “Why don’t we talk about something else?” Or you may prefer to remove yourself, saying, “I’d rather not be a part of this conversation. I’m going to step away unless we can change the topic.”
Suggest Alternative Topics
If you’d rather discuss something else, think in advance about possible alternative conversation topics. Thanksgiving gatherings present a perfect opportunity to share family history and learn new details about loved ones – especially those older or younger than us. Conversation starters like, “When was your first kiss?” “When was your first trip on an airplane?” “What was your first pet?” “What was your favorite meal when you were a child?” or “What’s the best gift you ever received?” can be fun prompts for discovering new things about people you already know well. Of course, since it’s Thanksgiving, “What are you most grateful for?” is also a wonderful question to pose.
Engage in Respectful Dialogue
What if you’ve decided that you DO want to discuss politics? While a lot of people hope to avoid the topic altogether, others see Thanksgiving as an opportunity to try to understand why family members voted the way they did, and to attempt to explain their own positions.
Communication is a two-way street, and one person alone can’t ensure a healthy dialogue. But by staying calm, curious and respectful, and by keeping the following tips in mind, you can enhance the likelihood of a productive conversation.
- Communicate boundaries upfront by saying, for example, “I’d love to discuss this, as long as we can keep it respectful.”
- Start with curiosity rather than confrontation. When we feel attacked, our natural tendency is to defend ourselves. That defensiveness only serves to widen the divide.
- Notice when you’re feeling attacked, and respond with the intent to understand rather than to defend, for example, “What makes you think that?”
- Let go of assumptions. It’s easy to think we know why others feel or behave the way they do, especially when we have a lifetime of history with them. In reality, we don’t know exactly what motivates them — or what they’re afraid of.
- Ask open-ended questions that demonstrate your interest in understanding. For example, “Do you think that’s a good thing?” could be rephrased as, “How do you see that benefitting you?”
- Avoid blanket statements about groups or parties, which can make people feel misunderstood and disrespected. Focus instead on the individual you’re talking with and their thoughts and feelings.
- Reflect back what you hear. Responding with, “It sounds like you’re really worried about that,” demonstrates that you’re making an effort to understand.
- Acknowledge the other perspective, even if you disagree, by saying something like, “Given your position on the issue, it makes sense that you’d support….” or “While I don’t agree with you, I understand why this is important to you.”
- Try to establish common ground by focusing on shared values. Underlying specific opinions and fears, most people can agree that they want a world that offers safety, hope, and opportunity to future generations. Acknowledging this shared goal opens space for acceptance.
- Know when to disengage. If the conversation reaches a point where it feels unproductive, where the discussion is going in circles, or where the focus is on “winning” rather than understanding, it’s probably best to calmly wrap things up.
- End on a positive note, by saying something like, “Thanks for taking the time to talk with me. We may never see eye-to-eye on everything, but I’ll always love you.”
Thanksgiving is a day dedicated to finding peace and joy in togetherness, and to sharing gratitude for life’s gifts. When we embrace that spirit during this uniquely challenging holiday season by focusing on what unites us, we’re afforded the opportunity to access even greater peace, joy and gratitude.
Wishing you a Thanksgiving filled with abundant love and deep connection,
Jenn
